Please leave your message at the sound of the tone...

Here is something peaceful for you to look at while I start to resurface...

This One is Especially for P-Slim and All His Friends at Apple

Gotta admire those guys at Blendtech. You can hear the collective geek consciousness cry out in horror and loss with gnashing of teeth and rending of garments...


Thanks to DD for your eeeevil sense of humor...

Flight of the Conchords

Last year, I was fortunate enough to watch on HBO the 1/2 hour comedy act of New Zealand's 4th most popular guitar-based digi-bongo acapella-rap-funk-comedy folk duo, Flight of the Conchords. It was everything I felt comedy should be: understated, intelligent, and hilariously funny.

Now HBO is airing a 12 part comedy series about the two man digi-folk band called, strangely enough, Flight of the Conchords. It follows Bret and Jermaine, the two kiwi band members as they try to establish themselves in the artist capital of the world, New York City.

I saw the first episode, Sally, last night, and although the humor made my wife groan, I found the episode very enjoyable with at least three Conchords musical numbers based around the storyline (or was the storyline based around the musical numbers? probably...). It's definitely worth a watch. In fact you can check out the complete episode here until the second episode comes out next week. Check it out :)

Here is one of my favorite "music video" portions of the show which does a brilliant satire of the cheesy love balad...

Awake in Dallas in the Light Hotel

Awake in Dallas in the Light Hotel
The weight of bed sheets holds me down
This envelope sends me towards unconscious outlines
Where new insights clash with old advice
And past pages turn to ash by firelight

Awake in Dallas in the Light Hotel
Movies are moved into long-term storage
And huddle on the corner of the street
Sharing heat with shards of glass
Passed by cracks in the concrete path

Awake in Dallas in the Light Hotel
A welterweight starved to bone thickness
With sick breathing extends black hands
Covered with duct tape and plastic bags
Asking for one more chance to fight

Awake in Dallas in the Light Hotel
The wood and plaster secrete their smell
Tiles still shed their dust
Washing in repetition only makes them thinner

Awake in Dallas in the Light Hotel
Heads are covered in shame
As games are played to pass the time

Awake in Dallas in the Light Hotel
The clock stares with red eyes

Awake in Dallas
In the Light Hotel
I wait for darkness.

When I'm 64...

Much to my friends' chagrin, I've really enjoyed the CareerBuilder Age-O-Matic Website, where you can upload the photo of any unwitting person and create an aged version of them saying whatever you want them to say....

The Fall Back

The stainless steel turbo prop striped in red, white and blue
Shook in a salted southwesterly blown across the tarmac
As propellers spun in a Utah sputter
Until the plane rolled over the oil stains out of view of the tall window

The blue skies were grey in Nebraska
Overcast snapshots taken in wide angles
Rough stubble of clear cut corn fields
Drowned in sauces and mayonnaise
Steaks marinated for 24 hours in a whiskey still.
The silt was slow to wash away

With Nebraska came the fall backward
Instead of spring there was snow
No sun, only the bright fridge light
Rustic décor and bear handles,
Forrest wallpaper darkened by the blackout curtains

At night I swam against the tide in the tepid pool
And reached the edge of solitude
Where I toweled off and walked barefoot
Silently in the back hallways
Dripping my respite like evidence along the carpeted path.

And finally some Iranian humor...

Here are two quite popular Iranian comics for your viewing pleasure, Omid Djalili and Maz Jobrani. It's good to see something funny coming from the middle-east...

The Unibrow Song

Here's a clever little ditty about an issue that many of the iranian brothas (and sistas) can relate to...

And Speaking of Iran...

I have a friend who works for this interesting organization called the Iran Human Rights Documentation Center. Their goals are to:

* investigate and document human rights abuses in Iran;

* raise international awareness of human rights violations
in Iran and bring pressure to bear on the Iranian government
to end these abuses;

* raise local awareness of human rights violations and
international human rights standards inside Iran; and

* establish an online archive of human rights documents that
can one day be used to develop and support a reckoning
process in Iran.

There is nothing wrong with investigation and fact collection as well as the dissemination of the facts in report form. It is not politics but rather education. I hope that their goals help Iran to transition to a more moderate political climate where human rights are held in higher regard.

Here is a link to their report on the persecution of the largest religious minority in that country, the Baha'i Faith.

Props to NS for raising my awareness.

Hollywood Wages Iranian Cultural Warfare

Apparently the new movie '300' which was just released last weekend is yet another way to wage war on Iran. I haven't seen '300' yet, but I highly doubt it's going to make me think any less of that country than their misplaced polemics do.

The Trip to Candy Mountain

Enjoy this surreal journey to the mystical Candy Mountain probably influenced by happy pink pills. Thanks to nzgurl for giving me the chance enjoy this entertaining trip...

the pileup

a cow moos a tune
imitating a horn
in the bovine traffic jam
on the grass overpass
noses rammed
bumper to bumper
at the toll gate
methane fumes collecting
in the payment of their blood work

rapture redux

toner tantra photocopies the free world
legalities and clauses shopping at ross
mismatched socks walk the checkerboard corridor
under holy cows and sacred drips

the tea sips under shawls before the wrestling knockdown
top hats circle for the shuffle of expository clowns
channel surfing wipe outs burst the beer keg bubble
college students scrutinize collage covered caramel lumps

hotel hellhole in a bagdad camel hump shootout
silent speaker phones stare blown out by psychoactive candles
brass band shindigs gang banging the tuba tube sock baseline
base camp assaults on a contraband blasting cap

derelict dumpster hauls lost in the kabala junk heap
celebrity death wishes caught in the crossfire suicide pact
actors benign motions masturbate corporate riff-raff financiers
spliff smoke chokes the eyesore split screen slow-mo replay

half a day is enough to scuff the shoe black newness from your chaps

maitre'd handshakes the clambake smoke of the guest check replay
levitating the cinder block off your leather high backed excuse
expletive greed grabs words right out of my cerebellum
leaving lily pad liftoffs floating in the frog pond graveyard

cut to commercial

scene 1 ext day - outside jelly mold's home

Theme Song:
happy happy happy hoppy
hoppy hoppy hoppy hoop
sappy sappy sappy soppy
soppy soppy soppy soup
pappy pappy pappy poppy
poppy poppy poppy poop

Fade in:

Bunny suited underpaid actor jumps perkily toward the candy cane gate
wicker basket full of pastel eggs
and flicks the sugar door latch and scratches his rabbit crotch
crocheted curtains part to show the pseudo-plucky girl in a pigtails stare and roll her eyes

POV hothoused rabbit suit:

the lolly swirl door opens and girl with blue checkerboard dress and white pinafore
bounces with double-barreled shotgun knockers and circle blush on pale cheeks

Cut to:

RONNIE RABBIT
Hi! I'm Ronny the Rabbit. You must be Sue!

SUE
(chewing gum and twirling it on her thumb)
Uh huh.

RONNIE RABBIT
Have you been a good girl? I have happy eggs for all the good boys and girls!

SUE
Uh huh.

RONNIE RABBIT
Here. Have a pretty pink one!

Ronnie hands over a large pink egg in his costume mitts to Sue's French manicured paws.
A bit of gum string sticks to his fur.

SUE
(non plussed)
Thanks.

RONNIE RABBIT
(Shaking free of the gum string)
Okay Sue! Have a Happy Super Double-plus Good Easter!

Sue rolls her eyes and closes the door

Cut to:

Ronnie Rabbit in his worn brown costume hopping out the candy gate up the road
He stops and scratches his crotch and turns to wave at Sue in the jelly mold house.

Cut to:
Sue in the window staring up at him and giving him the bird


Cut to:
Ronnie the rabbit shrugging his shoulders and hopping out of frame with the house in the background. Suddenly the house explodes.


Ominous theme music

Fade to black

ANNOUNCER VO
Kids, never take candy from strangers.
Brought to you by the Department of Homeland Security
And now back to our regularly scheduled program...


3
2
1
the sacred and holy shindig shivers with rapture spasms before the revival
revealing recent conversions to fascist eating ho-ho ho-hums
white comatose pawns come kneeling on the pews perfectly
passing time before the gaggle of gods castoff robe wearers
reviews the guest list gore fest before the brimstone buffet
sashay in the finale theme song segue way to the polywoggle breakdown
simulcast simian hand jobs boggle the syphilitic zoo station

nations have waited for the rim of the sun to trim the firebird mantra
only to be left briquettes from the sons of their plethora

Brought to you by Kingsford charcoal: Lights first. Lights fast.

Stay tuned for Paris Hilton in “Bottoms Up”

Ask the Fruitcake Lady

The best of a segment of the Tonight Show where a nonagenarian dishes out advice to her less experienced viewers...

headline hangover

flagging words flap in political filibusters
the ripple of data distillers and economic effervescence
slaps paper handshakes folded on paper stands
guttural rubbish runs parallel to the curb
only disturbed by street walkers washing in troths of chewed cud
music bakeries wafting notes in the chill cacophony
the warm shiver of art on a sliver of concrete
make for contralto breakfast before the news breakdown
in the town of hard-ons and come downs
the phalluses of glass and steel protruding and teeming
pointing to a sky that stares vacantly blue.

morning arrival

we barely move in the aluminum tube
rebreathing the air of hundreds before
and when the doors slide open
we overflow the tile platform
rushing the escalators and stairs
a reverse waterfall

The Cost of Fat Airline Passengers

Although it makes perfect sense, a report came out recently which states how much money airlines are having to spend on extra fuel costs to fly overweight passengers. Although the logical thing to do is to charge portly people more than skinny people for airline tickets, chances are they will just offer discounts for those whose poundage is not quite so burdensome...

Poetic Rendering

I posted a poem a little while back called Hobo Humanity. It was fairly talky and unpoetic in traditional terms, even if it expressed an emotion that I felt at the time.

Someone recommended rendering it down into something more poetic, and I gave it a shot. Here is the result:


Hobo Sam

Sam rode in the hay of the box car with the skin of livestock
From Kansas city to Orleans
Nursing the smell of dung from his wool coat
Half asleep rocked by the train
Half awake jolted by the gaps between wrought tracks

Hunger kept him company
His death face appearing
Stubble filling the sunken spaces

Children and spouses were left like stations several stops back
In the days that appeared through cracks in the sliding doors
And the nights that swallowed him whole

He used to hum to pass the time
But he only remembered one chorus of one tune
And the sound of “Oh Suzannah” made him remember the miles
So he stopped and practiced smiling.

Sam rode in the hay from Orleans to Kansas City
Hiding with the sheep
Hands in their dung
Half asleep smothered by wool
Half awake waiting for the doors to open in daylight.

Dysphoric Social Attention Consumption Deficit Anxiety Disorder Discombobulates Consumers

An Australian artist has created a fake drug ironically called "Havidol" to treat Dysphoric Social Attention Consumption Deficit Anxiety Disorder (DSACDAD) as a satire of pharmaceutical ad campaigns, and consumers seem to believe it's a real product for a real illness! The artist, Justine Cooper, was going for a subtle spoof to draw people in and it looks like it worked. You have to wonder though about medication that is available in both tablet and suppository form...


I especially like the disclaimer:

IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION
Problems can be avoided if you take HAVIDOL only when you are able to immediately benefit from its effects. To fully benefit from HAVIDOL patients are encouraged to engage in activities requiring exceptional mental, motor, and consumptive coordination. HAVIDOL is not for you if you have abruptly stopped using alcohol or sedatives. Havidol should be taken indefinitely. Side effects may include mood changes, muscle strain, extraordinary thinking, dermal gloss, impulsivity induced consumption, excessive salivation, hair growth, markedly delayed sexual climax, inter-species communication, taste perversion, terminal smile, and oral inflammation. Very rarely users may experience a need to change physicians.
Talk to your doctor about HAVIDOL

I think it says something about our culture when we believe a pill can provide something intangible and inherently spiritual. Do we really believe the right chemical combination in our brains can give us fulfillment?

Back in the Day...

...Things were simpler. The air was cleaner, the people friendlier, and the hairstyles... well the hairstyles had a life of their own. Ask BuggaSG who is located somewhere in this view to nostalgia...

A Men's Fashion Retrospective

Although the 70s and 80s were decades of fashion disasters, there's something nostalgic about a fashion statement that was equally unflattering to everyone, creating a universal excuse for looking bad.

Here's a classic ad from NZ for a Kiwi soda named L & P (short for Lemon and Paeroa) which explores and revels in one of these phenomenons and reminds us of a simpler time when men were men, and their fashion sense was totally non-existent.

A Ban on iPod Oblivion

It seems that people in NYC are walking blithely across the streets with iPods blaring, talking on cellphones or staring at their Blackberries and creating traffic obstacles, sometimes resulting in their own deaths. For some reason, this upsets people and now NYC is planning on fining people $100 for using one of these popular devices while crossing the street. A certain friend might not be too happy about that news, but that said, he probably understands the value of paying attention when his life is at risk.

So soon it will be economically disadvantageous to shuffle across a busy intersection, texting your friends while checking google maps and bopping to the latest Fall-Out Boy single. Sheesh. So much for land of the free...

An Anti-Tagging System (for the non-Internet)

Kiwi ingenuity has come up with a way to defeat those persistent and omnipresent graffiti artists who create visual pollution in our urban centers: make the wall wet! And if people get too close to the wall, spray them with water! Leave it to NZlanders to come up with something practical, harmless, and ultimately beneficial.

When Car Enthusiasts Get Guns...

This is what happens when the host of Top Gear, Jeremy Clarkson, is able to dispose of crap cars the way he really wants to... with FIREPOWER! (What is it with boys and their toys?)

Props to DD for pointing out the distinctly British bent of this humor.

Heck No! (I'll Never Listen To Techno)

Here's a clever little video that makes use of the old Lite-Brite for a bit of stop action madness....

Coming Down

Mass hysteria passes and loses mass
Creating asses, releasing greenhouse gasses,
Crass coffee napkin lyrics, natural disasters,
Rasters of dull light reflect circles from my empty glass

Chewed old bones near cell phone tones wait to ring out
Bring me doubt and I’ll give you this question
Masticate and review my suggestion
Digestion once collapsed in the north tower before it went south

(Perhaps I overemphasize my body)

Tempers flare in the glare of the gaudy display
Phosphorous tracers spray the porous afterglow
The cold crème rubdown can’t remove the blight show
There is grass in my crack from the evening’s lay

(Or so you say)

I’ve cocked my glockenspiel while gripping the wheel deal
Turning heel steel-toed peeling off into the smoky distance
No insistence will make shadows so real to appeal to my senses
My defenses are deployed with blatant zeal

Desire ripples onto the shore and deposits its foam
The dream land, this fantasy land, the form of a milky nipple.

Something I Haven't Heard About Before

I guess you could call this a promo video for an Israeli - Palestinan political action group called "One Voice" which is working for a "two state solution" to the conflict in the Middle-East.

Even though there is an element of propaganda here, at least the message focuses on dialogue, consensus, and a moderate approach...

For more info, check out their website

long lost property

today i stumbled upon the california state controller's website for unclaimed property. here you can search under specific names to find out if you have anything owing to you such as insurance claim money or other things like forgotten safe deposit boxes and company shares. it's worth a look. worst case scenario is that you aren't owed anything, and you can continue your sad organized life without the joy of rediscovery...

Wear Sunscreen

Still worth watching and hearing even though it may date a few years now. Some call this inspiring, while I see it as thought provoking beyond a list of sheer platitudes. And the advice is pretty good too...

Bra Wearers Beware

Someone with far too much time on their hands has set up the Strap Police to counter what they call "ugly bra strap syndrome".

I can't help thinking there are other causes which deserve more attention (such as the things the straps hold up - i know, i'm a neanderthal...)

Our Word for Today is...

... Props.

Don't say I never edumacated youz.

borat and the golden globes

i have a feeling i won't be the only one posting this link.

kudos to sacha baron cohen for using the words 'anus' and 'testicles' in his best actor acceptance speech...

and for those of you who may not know what scene he is referring to, have a look at it here. however, i warn you, it may burn into your mind some things you hoped you would never see in real life...



props to p-slim for the link!

As Boring As...

...watching cheese age?

Yep. And other people accuse me of being cheesy and boring...

What you hoped someone would never record on film

Lately it seems that I've become a bit of a YouTube junky, but I had to post this lovely little gem of a video which will have meaning to several of my friends. I think the message is clear: don't break wind near an infrared camera!

And Now for a Musical Number...

I've Gone All Goth

Pretty soon I'll listen only to Evanescence and My Chemical Romance, wear black lipstick, and tatoo a skull on my forehead...

Chocolate: A whole new (gross) way

How many times have you taken a chocolate bar with you on a sunny day, and when your blood sugar is at near comatose levels, you've gone to fish out your energy snack only to find it has been reduced to meaningless goo in your backpack / purse / back pocket? (And how many of you have resorted to desperately licking the wrapper? More than would care to admit it...)

Now, you can bypass that solid chocolate phase altogether with the New Lava Bar: liquified chocolate in a sealed foil packet that probably looks like something you should be flushing away instead of putting it in your mouth, and that's why you can't see it before you eat it! Mmmmm mmmmmm!

I think they should come up with a suppository that emits chocolate in a gas form so people can take it in through their noses every time someone breaks wind. I would call it "Chocolate Cloud"...

Props to DD for the culinary enlightenment!

Jack Black's Tenacious School of Rock

It seems that during Tenacious D's tour of NZ, Jack Black happened to spot a couple of buskers (i.e. street performers) who's musical act he really enjoyed. So much so, he asked them to be his opening act at the Christchurch town hall. But the strangest bit of all is that these guys are only 10 and 11 years old.

I wonder if he's going to train them on how to do stage dives...